I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
