He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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