Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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