Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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