please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
