Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
