when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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