I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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