1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Drunk is a universal language darling
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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