Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
