America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
