Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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