in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
