I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
