I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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