Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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