my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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