also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
