we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
