I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
