I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
God, I missed his penis.
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