Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
