Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
