hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
