God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
