ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
