yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize