I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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