Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
