well I can't set my house on fire every night
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
