I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
