epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My vagina is officially offended.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
