can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sober January is a disaster.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
