I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At least life still wants to fuck me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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