I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
