I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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