2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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