He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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