I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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