I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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