So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
