i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
they need to just BURY HIM!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
