Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
