It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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