OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
