I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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