i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
