alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
