non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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