god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
