He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
