ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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