I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
