Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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