the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
