half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
