He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
