I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
