Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
