i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
