she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
