I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
